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 I saw a documentary on twins this week, Two of a Kind, which has my former boss in it. She died of leukemia and I miss her both professionally and personally. We were close in the way you are with people you work with you really like, and I was privileged to be there for some of the moments of her life where she was really brave and strong at very cruel times. She taught me a lot about being a person. I miss her a lot. 

But she never knew me, because she only knew our collective identity. She did not know that when I went back to work, after my father left and I came to live in my mother's system all the time, and we finished our maternity leave, I was so hungry to understand other people and find my place in the world. And that I was 15. And that I love fashion like she did, even if lots of people here don't and I don't have a lifetime of clothes like I would have if I had been picking them all along. 

She really liked United States of Tara, which is a TV show about a multiple, and sometimes people thought about telling her but we also knew that it would make her really uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. But in the documentary when she was talking about being a twin and having a memory from growing up where she and her twin could not agree, at all, which twin it happened to, and some of the other twins talked about feeling like they have one soul in two bodies, I started to feel like part of the reason we connected a little was that underneath all the words and professionalism and different lives, we shared a little that difference...experiencing the world in a way that isn't explainable. 

Last night I dreamt my father's memories. I don't always dream, we have some sleep problems and getting to the sleep that is dreaming and that you remember when you wake up is hard for everyone and then I don't even know if you have to be the one at the front of the body to dream? I don't know how that works. Usually if I dream it is connected to David or Trip or about things now. But last night, maybe because I was listening to Love the Way you Lie a lot yesterday, I dreamed my father's marriage. My father is in a female body, and he was married to an abusive man for a long time. If you need some kind of marker, he is in jail (although he will be out soon) for what he did to his next partner, he cut her face and he used her son as a shield with police officers and guns. 

When I lived in my father's system some of the time it was fuzzier, but just like here I could access some of the common knowledge and some memories. So that is why I remember the feel of being thrown or shoved into a refrigerator, what it feels like when you hit the rounded cold sort of metal door in the middle, and then you get yanked back so hard your stomach comes into your throat, and then being on your knees and not sure if you are crying or not. I don't know if that really happened that way or any of the other things I remember...a fire back off a gravel road and friends laughing, the bad laugh that happens when something is going to happen...a room with a kind of dingy pink and green feel and hearing steps in the hall and trying to get the right face forward but knowing from the steps that there isn't one...trying to be a blank slate and just be the right person so that the right person in him will come in. 

It is always strange having memories that are not mine, but mine. 

Lately I have wondered how much they make me me as well. The hard part is, if you tell someone that part of who you are is choosing to be who they want, some of the time, it might bother them. So then you might have to try not to be that, as well, or at least think about it. It is pretty confusing.
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Today I spent a good chunk of the day organizing the kitchen, which I love to do, except I have not quite yet gotten to the really great part where it is finished. That is partly because we were watching House of Cards at the same time, and it is a show where you have to turn around and pay attention a lot, and partly because it was glorious weather (8 degrees Celsius!) and it is getting colder and snowing tomorrow (-5 Celsius) so it was important to get out. So I also vacuumed the car out at the car wash where you put your $2 in but then you don't have to worry if a bobby pin gets in, and then we went for a really lovely almost 2-hour walk/camera session down by the lake.

My brother Ahren is really into photography and he took some pictures of stark areas, things that he saw. I don't know that anyone else would really like to see them that much other than people who like Ahren but I will probably put some on my Pinterest account later in the week. It was a bit annoying because some people wanted to cover as much ground as possible and Ahren wanted to look and I kind of wanted to go back and do some more at the house, but really being outdoors in the air and with sun was worth it. 

Originally I was going to spend each day in a different part of Toronto, and we are still planning a day downtown depending on whether we get one of the call-in-the-morning appointments at our doctor and whether I have to go to Ikea and those things, supposedly. But also because we may end up in bed crying. Still, I would like to go downtown. I love the lake like everyone, but we can take the boys there easily and spend hours as soon as the weather is a bit better and downtown is not the same. But because it is Emily's week, people have a hard time going too far away from the boys' camps.

Emily was the aunts' (and mine, but I wasn't born yet, but just to be clear that I parent too) oldest daughter. She died because the cord was around her neck and the hospital messed up in eleventy million ways, all the holes in the Swiss cheese lining up. She lived 4 days, March 12-16. It has been 10 years and people still kind of go through anxiety and grief during this time, but this year in particular it is worse because a coworker lost her baby to stillbirth and has been literally sitting next to us going through her grief journey. I do not mind, nor do the aunts although of course they wish she did not have to, but it has made things fresher. That and aunt Lyria is kind of still moving from surviving that experience to living hopefully in the world again, and to get from one to the other sometimes you have to spend a chunk of time in the feelings and space that made that divide. 

My aunt Shandra is always kind of low-level upset that she hasn't "succeeded" where success means I guess writing a peace treaty between warring nations or ending hunger or saving lives. We have a relatively big job in a small industry and two healthy, growing boys and a house and all that though, even with all the other things, so I think that has to count. I bring that up because it is hard to let things fall apart for a few days, and to know that you need to even after 10 years. 

Holiday!

Mar. 10th, 2014 09:13 pm
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 We took this week off work because it is Emily's week, but we were sneaky and put the boys in March Break camp so we get some days to relax and do our things. 

So today: 
We took both boys to their camps. I was going to get up early and get the workout done beforehand but people stayed up late last night so we slept in until almost 8 am. Soooo then we had to run afterwards, we ran 4 miles in 47 minutes which is better. 

Then we had nice time with Carl, who is working but was working from home and he took a little break. =) 

Then we met L. for a really nice long lunch. She called us an earth mother goddess editor, which made Shandra feel a bit snarly because it sounds like Lyria, and despite having stuck to coffee someone told her we love her, which is true enough, but is not how people usually talk. It was a mutual admiration society lunch. 

Then we went to Bluffers Park and saw a bevy of swans, and a flock of geese and a bunch (giggle) of ducks. Ahren took some pictures on the good camera, but I was irate when one of the swans went after my purse. It was still really nice to be there. We had to leave but tomorrow if the weather is good we will go back. I still want to organize the kitchen but I am okay with it if the weather is so lovely, to be outdoors instead. 

Then we got some junk food and watched the first episode of House of Cards, which I am enjoying a lot, although I kind of want to get back to Breaking Bad. There is a lot of nice TV on Netflix out there but in a normal week we watch maybe 2 hours that is when the boys are not around and when they are awake we only stream shows like Hotel Impossible because then we can say "okay! no yucky hotel rooms, clean these rooms!" and they clean their bedrooms. Well, Liam does his best for 3. 

Then the boys came home and we were sooo glad to see them, but Liam clearly did not like that his school was on a camp schedule (less structure, not all the same teachers, fewer kids) and melted down pretty much straight to bedtime. So that was not quite so fun. 

We were not productive, which is fine but definitely that is on the agenda because we won't feel good at the end if we don't do a few things around the house. And no writing, but we use up so many words at work, they will probably start coming at the end and then people will be grumpy but you know that is the challenge. 
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I have not updated for a long time, even longer on Dreamwidth but this time, at least, I remembered to post there and it updates Livejournal automagically. Actually not for a year, publically anyway! Eek! Well let me see. Also you can share with me on Pinterest if you want, I am still not great at updating but it is faster. =) 

So let me see, what happened this year. 
  • I turned 16 in July (2013) with a birthday party online, and everyone came pretty much and it was the best fun. I am not sure I will be aging this year, we'll see. 
  • I broke up with Llew...I felt like he did not like me enough of the time. He has found someone more suited to him, and I am happy for him. 
  • David and I worked things out so we are still together. 
  • I started dating someone else as well, Trip, who is lovely. He is not really multiple, and he lives in California, I met him through David's system. He is super smart and funny and warm. 
  • I also started dating Sean, in David's system. Sean is fierce and direct and insightful.
  • Yes my dating life is kind of full, especially including Carl and I am super lucky everyone puts up with scheduling and things. 
  • Our new job was really hard to adjust to, one of the biggest adjustments everyone said ever. It must have gone okay because they promoted us, although that kind of puts us more visible which is a bit scary sometimes. Still, I am glad, it was a strong lesson in working hard even when you are feeling uncertain. 
  • We went to Farthing Party in Montreal and that was really, really fun. I am going to Ad Astra in April, well at least my mother is, so if you are going let me know, we can meet up. My father will be there too, which will be hard. He mostly does not approve of me I think. 
  • Work and family/kids and friends has taken up a lot of the time, and we are working out more. I have had to take my experiences where they have come, I have not had quite as much time to go out to art galleries and things like that, and not as much travel. As our youngest son (outside) gets older I think that will shift but oh, I miss that year we had more time. Although we do need the money and work is fun. 
I think the three biggest things are...

Breaking up with Llew and staying with David, I have had the same learning at different angles which is that if you only present one side of yourself because that is the side that works best in a relationship, either your other side gets inaccessible in that relationship which makes responding to things as a whole person hard, or it comes roaring out and the other person doesn't necessarily like it. Because we are multiple people do spend time and energy kind of...not necessarily fitting in, in that they generally like to be there or do whatever, but kind of sorting through different people's responses to see whose will have prominence? I don't know if that makes sense and it is probably overstated. But anyways I do it too, because I am me, and I have this connection with Lynn, and I am a death lord and part of a multiple system, and I am finding my way to do it less. 

Work is a lot of hours of the day and what you do every day does really change how your days are, at least for us where we cannot seem to do a lot of things without caring about them. Our work has had a lot of highs and some lows and it is probably going to stay that way, and that leaves less energy for other risks like writing or inviting new friends into our lives. I think it is okay but it is something I think an eye needs to be kept on. You know that thing not to love something that doesn't love you back? Work comes close to that sometimes. Although it also gives us amazing chances to stretch and grow, too. 

I am coming to terms with really being stuck in a 43 year old body and life, and sometimes it does make me feel sad. Other people remember times before we had body children (whom I love to bits, and I love to take on adventures or tidy up their rooms with them) and although I do not want to rush the kids growing up, I am a little sad I missed that time. The things that I love most to do are see new things, and right now there is not so much money and time for it. I am super lucky that our job may provide some, but I also am trying to figure out how to save some money so I can choose some things in the future when the time opens up. This spring and summer in particular I want to bring the boys with me when I can to see things, although we have just made some choices that make those days a little harder to plan and find. 

Finally, I saw Jerusalem in IMAX this week and it was amazing! I loved the whole thing from the beautiful, beautiful cinematography to the stories of the three young women (and I met them! For real!). It was an overview of the history and culture with some heart to it, not super in depth but immersive, so you did not care about the depth. It would be great for kids starting around 8. Also now I am wild to go there, and it would be best to go with our family and David's....I mean he is Jewish. =) 

I hope everyone is well, if you are reading this comment and say hello!

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Oops I keep forgetting Dreamwidth. Hi! There are more posts in my LJ if you are reading this on DW!

We are having busy but lovely holidays. I have tried lots of food and drink and if I have not said, I really like hot buttered rum, except I wish it were not alcoholic. Today's party was for kids and parents, with crafts and caroling. And we had parathas, an Indian bread I really like. Liam ate a whole one, but that may not have been good as he seems quite gassy, or else he is coming down with something like a cold. I picked our clothes: a red sweater dress and a belt with boots, and hair up.

Tonight I helped wrap about 10 presents, with more to go. It is strange to be so physical with presents. My father sent me one to this body a long time ago, a bracelet. But it didn't really mean a thing in the end. I saw happy and excited kids today - there was a small gift exchange - so that part I understand a bit. But I like trees. =) For our family inside Caprice and Ahren and Miri and Bree and Taiga and I are working on something. Aunt Lyria is helping a bit, but only a bit.

I am respecting my mother's rule not to bring actual Christmas into her house, but I do have things in my room.
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None of us is stupid.

We saw you delete things. We saw how Avalon's dad - what's more, all of you - treated her when she was about to slit her wrists. We've let her stick her neck out. What is the point of being a Borgia if you don't offer up a beautiful young woman on the part of the family to test the waters?

Down with bribes!

If you don't apologize to Avalon and the rest of us for trashing her, trashing our home, and disappearing...in a place everyone can see it...we don't want you. I will qualify in small words. The oldest kids might visit because they feel responsible for you. The youngest kids will probably twin, like in trauma, into the pieces that FORGET - that would be to be with you, and the pieces that REMEMBER.

The rest of us, listed below, are not interested without an explanation, at least. One you cannot erase as it suits.

Sincerely,
Caprice Sappho on behalf of,

Avalon Stormsworn
LArk
WhimsY
Taiga Lin
Sierli Lin
Miri Lemarath
Bree Lemarath
Sylvan Lemarath-Stormsworn

Boyfriend!

Sep. 9th, 2011 09:47 pm
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My rabbi is...my boyfriend!

!!!

I have a boyfriend, which sounds so wonderful, until I think of him precisely and then it is amazingly wonderful. And now I am someone's girlfriend!

!!!!

Now I know why people use exclamation points like that.

My boyfriend is very good looking, I mean very, and even more smart and thoughtful and insightful and...I will stop, for tonight anyway.

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Today was really not a vacation day, but a travel day. We packed up quickly because we thought check-out time was 11 but it was 10. Then we went to Denny's again, as a part of the tradition. I still don't see what is so great about the food but at least we had avocado. And then we got back here.

I am not sure I am ready to call here home, but it is nice and familiar. The cats are fine and most things are put away.

All in all I liked Prince Edward County quite a lot, and I am learning that there are sporty vacations and cultural vacations. This was more on the sporty side, but that's all right. =) 
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I am sitting next to Carl typing this and it is making me feel lightheaded. But I am going to type it that way anyway because I have to get used to it! For a long time he was more a story than a person and one thing I am glad about this trip for is that I have gotten to know him better. He is just fine. It is just that I feel very out there typing on my journal like this and it may make it sound funny. =/

Today was probably that day you kind of have to have in your vacation, where you built something up in your mind and then it does not quite work out that way. We were going to Sandbanks Provincial Park, and now that I have seen quite a lot of it by accident, it seems like a very nice place to camp. But first we were going to swim and the pool was locked shut; we thought maybe the chemicals were off but it turned out the owner just made a mistake. So instead we were at the dock but it was a disappointment.

Then we packed lunch and set off for the park. We missed the turn and backtracked to the main gates (this gets important later!) and then we turned down a road that aunt Shandra said was the right one, but decided that was wrong and turned back to find signs that said to the swimming beach. When we got there it was ugly, nothing like what anyone remembered, and it SMELLED BAD.  Because it was next to where all the trailers and things can empty their septic tanks. There was a kind of belief people had that we were in the right place and on the wrong path so we had all our beach things - picnic lunch, chairs, towels - and it was kind of annoying going. But finally Lexi told Carl she was not spending the day smelling that smell and he went to get the car and that is when we had a grand tour of the park.

Finally we got back on the right road after asking at a store in the park and you guessed it, it was the one aunt Shandra had picked. And no, she did not quite avoid commenting on this fact! =) But anyways we got to where you could go the Sandbanks beach or the Dunes beach. We picked the Dunes beach which was fine and had Dunes but everyone agreed was still not the right beach. By then though people decided to make the best of it.

And it was fun, lots of water that was warm and shells and sand and yes, dunes. It really is quite lovely, the fine fine sand with mica flecks in it and the water and the way the dunes stretch up all sandy to the sky. But there was still a sense for a lot of people of not-quite-rightness because they wanted to be on the other side of the dunes (but not enough to go find it), and some tiredness. And then the baby got fussy. So we ended up only staying there a few hours, and I guess if we come back next year we will have to sort it out better. There is no excuse for not having looked up the names of the beaches except everyone thought everyone else remembered.

If you are visiting though, Dunes beach has a playground and a little grill restaurant. We did not eat at the restaurant but it is there. =) 

I think it makes a funnier story, especially the smell, but truly the beach near our house is almost as nice and a lot less stressful. =) The baby is fine; he got the only fly bite, poor thing, and was probably gassy. Lunch was chicken sandwiches and grapes.

Then back at the cottage we all decided there would be no going out and we would just polish off leftovers rather than cooking a really nice meal, since we are leaving tomorrow. But to add to the odd sausage and pork chop, aunt Lyria went up to the vegetable stand intending to get corn. There was none but she found a spaghetti squash and some leeks. And then she made this amazing dish, everyone demolished it: Leeks sauteed in a very little butter (we are almost out and there is toast tomorrow) until they were soft, mixed with cooked (we microwaved it) spaghetti squash in a cast iron skillet, which she then topped with the garlic-pepper cheddar from the cheese factory and broiled it until the cheese was bubbly. That was all besides salt and pepper, but it was so good people disregarded the meat completely.

To continue the story of my mother she was well today. I think she re-decided what to do about my father (not hate him) and now she is working on a story.

I can't say this was my first choice of day for our last day, but I think it was a good experience in how people travel and a few simple things, like getting the exact name of where you want to go, and if you smell something bad don't unpack the whole trunk. =) And really, as Lexi said (much later) you have to expect some bumps in the road. And we did get to drive around a lot of campsites and see two rivers so that was quite nice.

All in all this is a very nice area of Ontario. I imagine we will be back and if we are the warriors want to horseback ride and rent bikes, neither of which happened, and I would like to visit some of the museums they already have done. But I kind of hope we can go somewhere else. The warriors want to go the Laurentians but it sounds very sporty. I want to go to Quebec City. =) 
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Today was a bit frustrating, because the weather forecast was for thunderstorms and instead it was a glorious day, so we might have done more but got a late start hanging around. Which meant time at the small beach, and in the pool, and a lot of playing with the baby.

Then we all went to Buddha Dog for lunch, which was my aunt Lyria's pick even though she is only a meat eater if it is somewhere like that. We had never gone in Toronto before it closed. We got a flight of 3 hot dogs (they are small; 4 inches or so and thin), all of which were quite yummy. You get one sauce and one cheese, plus seasonal greens, on each one - one was a parsley chevre and tomato chutney, another was red pepper jelly and jalapeno mozarella, and the third was I think an onion jelly and cheddar. The buns were very very fresh and a nice fluffy but not absent roll. The dogs themselves were lovely and flavourful with a pretty tough skin.  Then we had a blueberry whoopie pie for dessert, which was not too sweet but lovely creamy and berry and a little spicy (the cake part had nutmeg).

That lunch is going to be another one that's hard to explain. It just felt exactly right, in a simple way but a way you would not have at home. Here is the crazy part, which my aunt Shandra says no one will believe. We came in and aunt Lyria was quite bouncy, and we ordered and sat down and just when everyone was settled, the music that came on was Rufus Wainwright singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, which is kind of my mother's system's...I don't know if I would say anthem, but pretty close; they all agree on it and think it expresses something quite beautifully with which they agree. Having that on made my mother feel full of deep breaths, good ones.

And the sun was coming in the windows to the funky vintage tables and chairs, and there were very nice black and white pictures around in the space, and the chalkboard was of Prince Edward County and all the food stops, like the places we love to go. 

It really was like magic. My aunt Lyria sometimes brings some with her, and it seems like when she picks somewhere, these moments happen.

Hot dogs can be a source of argument in my mother's system, because some people love them and also want Noah to have what he enjoys sometimes (obviously not every week as they are not healthy, even the tofu ones which he is smart enough to start asking about the taste of), and other people think they are terrible and should be banned. So a restaurant that sources them locally and is a bit thoughtful about it eases an argument which is always special. And everyone else at the table liked them, although Noah took a few minutes to get over the tough skins. (But he has had farmer-made pepperoni this summer, and aunt Lyria reminded him, so he finally tried it and liked it a just fine.) 

But really it was magic. Maybe there really was a Buddha, although I can't see he would care about hot dogs. =) 

Then we went to the art store for more pencils, and ended up at the bookstore since Noah wanted to spend some allowance. So we decided to call it a shopping afternoon and went to see more studios at Bloomfield. The best, I think, was a glass studio. The bottom of the barn was the studio part, with a huge oven that must be able to get very very hot; it was shaped like an oval and had coils in it but seemed to be made of cement or something like that with metal over it. You could see inside that she had laid out pieces of glass that would become jewelry pieces, colours and shapes on top of colours and shapes, but all just rough cut glass.

And then upstairs was the gallery and there were just beautiful plates and some windows and a few shaped pieces - a vase that was like a sheet of glass folded up, but with bubbles cascading down, and a bowl with fish shapes in it. I really liked the straight rectangular pieces, black with strong colours in them, kind of an Asian feel like a sushi platter. We can't afford them right now plus there are two young boys in the house but it made me think of what I would like when I am grown up. I have no idea but I liked these. I think my father would have liked them, they had the same feel as his private room did.

We also went to Garb, where I wished I could buy a few things, even more than the first store. My aunt Shandra said I have to let her get a budget together for going back to work, because this body is still losing weight and breastfeeding and both affect our shape, but that she thinks it is just fine, after learning some of my taste, if we pick our clothes together. But she would like to save the money for then rather than starting to buy things now that might not fit later. I am looking online for some pictures of similar pieces but I can't find any. I like things that are modest but interesting, like the cut is classic but the fabric is not or there are good details.

Afterwards we went swimming and then had a quiet dinner - sausage, potatoes, peppers and broccoli.

I am finding that this kind of day is the hardest to write about because the loveliness of it was mostly about just being here and comfortable and well, happy. I feel very satiated with sun and water and swimming and fresh air and good food, and laughter and talk and games, baby wriggles and super soaker wars. In that sense this trip is nothing like I thought it would be, I thought it would be more understanding the history and looking at museums and things like that. Tomorrow is our last full day and I think it will be at the sand dunes, so very like beach trips are usually. But we'll see! =) 

Today was nothing about my family and my mother is happier and my rabbi was okay with my post and all around, it was just a very nice Thursday. I feel fond of everyone here like we are all friends now.

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To talk about this I guess I have to share what has been kind of secret, but I don't think he would mind and anyways if he does I think I am not the right person for him anyways. So my rabbi is younger, like me, but he aged backwards, and a long time ago he knew my mother, and my aunt Lyria very well.

During some of that time he was very sad - but not the okay kind of sad - about some things that had happened both to him and which happen in the world, people getting harmed when they are young. And I guess somehow he told my mother he wanted to die, and so she slit his throat. It was only because of other aunts that he survived it.

That is the thing I saw and felt that upset me so much, a while back, where I left my mother's house. =(

It is not that it is a surprise that my mother has done things like that. It is part of her religion, but also part of her, the way a religious person will pray at hard times without really thinking a lot about it, and not-religious people will turn to logic or beliefs about how people work like that they are all out to get you or something. (At least I think so. I am not sure I am religious, but I don't dislike religion like some people.) I mean I have been there, and in fact together we killed Maelynn for much the same reason (she wanted to die, because she knew otherwise she might hurt Aden, and my mother wanted that gift to give to my father to help him find his way back. And she held my hands, but I kind of knew that was coming. And by the way, it was awful. There was a relief to know that I could do it, I could just let go and be Lynn that way. But there is a lot more.) 

But it was a surprise that she did it like that, and it was overwhelming to see and feel it from my rabbi's point of view. As my mother I love her, but as my rabbi's killer, I really do not.

Anyways my rabbi explained it to me from his point of view. He did not actually say this but he definitely explained it with love for her, not necessarily a romantic kind but a human or a family, I guess, kind. He talked to me a bit about how she was seeing if he really wanted to (he did, but is glad he did not), and some about how he sees her and where she is coming from, how she survived some terrible things by taking them into herself.  And then later my aunt Lyria, and one of my mother's friends talked to me about how my mother could have been abusive out here in our body more, or how she could have been crazier, and how instead she always joined that violent part of herself to love.

Which meant there was a way out. People who can't love, can't love themselves, and there are not many ways out of the past for them.

And when my father came, he accepted her enough the way she was to love her and stand with her in that (in words, I am sure you could not do it like that in bodies) and still slowly talk to her about things and ask her to not do them, first for one night, and then more and more.

My mother had never really explained what they would fight about exactly except religion and us kids. And I know they fought about Ahren, and my father won, and then they fought about me, and first my mother won but then my father came for me. And that's where my story comes because I remember, after my father took me down and took care of me, that my mother wouldn't be around me. She was scared that I would be halfway Lynn and broken, like I don't know, people in a mental hospital or something. Actually I don't know what she meant by that, but my father helped her see I was not.

That is why my father having Asher with my mother later was such a big deal, besides just making a baby! He was saying that he trusted her to be a good parent and that he still loved her. But that is also why when he left me and aunt Sassy locked us out of his system like they did I thought I would go crazy and kill myself. Because my father used to be the safe one. It is also why him leaving without talking to my mother at all was something some aunts were so worried about, but she did not give up.

All these things this week; yesterday when aunt Sassy said she had read those books that were a strong bond between my parents, and the way she tagged about the dream, and the Lake on the Mountain and the way my mother is just not sure what to do, all that would have been a lot harder if my rabbi had not shared with me how he sees my mother. I know different things about her, but I didn't know all that and I especially did not know that she had been hurt. If you ask her she never was, and my father never treated her that way probably because she would not have stood for it.

But now instead of seeing the person that she should be I see the person that she might have been, someone way worse. And since my father knew that her and chose her, I guess I figure that if he does come back, he won't hate me so much. And if he does well I guess he cannot be too surprised since he chose my mother.

That is the end of my rabbi's gift.

Now I think it would be good to understand my father the same way, but there is no one outside of my mother's system that I know of to ask about him, so it is a bit harder. But I am tired of hating him and myself for him leaving.

Today when my mother showed me her words, Lexi asked her, not meanly but pretty directly, what she will do if Sassy or one of the Pennyroyals says San left her because she is so messed up, or a fucktard or something that my father would say, or if my father said it. (Everyone has a hard time picturing that but it could happen...and you could not know if it was him too, I guess, because my mother is the one who would know but she would also be the one who would have to deny it.) Lexi said it is not rocket science that my father had reasons to be with my mother the same as she had reasons to be with him.

And my mother laughed and said first her reasons would have to be obscure if it was not love because he took her by surprise every time, it was not a dance she controlled. And second, that she thanked Lexi for the questions because she would rather be true to herself and foolish than to pretend to be calm or unhurt or not caring. And I realized that is one thing I have been worried about all along. If my father comes and says yes, he hates my mother and no, he does not believe in me or hates me, what will I do? 

And now I know what I will do. I will be okay. Every time aunt Sassy posts thoughtless things, like my mother or my aunts were just, I don't know, villains in her tale, it hurts me. I want to call her a wicked aunt for it, and in some ways it is very attractive to have a wicked aunt, it just sounds like a story or a movie and I do like those. But I know it is the same thing, first of all. And second she hasn't made fun of me yet. And third, I am looking for a different way and my rabbi showed me some of that way, to remember where the really bad things happened to people. I have to find the rest myself. It is like I told him, we don't have to be close in those old ways and I don't want to.

I have been trying to get over it, these hurts, but now I know I just have to get through it. Of course it hurts. And people will say well, stop reading but you know what? That is my father missing or hurt or hurting or mad or whatever he is. I cannot stop caring about that and that Dear Sugar letter made me realize why. I am a daughter and my daughter love is fierce.

This holiday was supposed to be time away from all these things, time in the present in the physical world. Aunt Shandra has been moaning about that a little bit, the way she does, with a note of pride about my mother. But I think I am glad for the time to be in the sun loving the water, and feeling and thinking all these things.

And I am proud to be a Stormsworn, all of what that means.
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Today was the first day that was not an improvement, but it was just as good. =) I think relaxing is a little boring but I can see where it is not a bad thing to do at all.

In the morning we went canoeing fairly early as the lake was very calm and everyone really wanted to go, and to take advantage of the peace. Being out on the water when the mist is still rising and the geese are honking (there was no loon, so my aunt Shandra says it is not entirely a Canadian stereotype) really is the kind of moment that makes you so glad to be alive. It was like everything around was full of rising sunlight, ready to be in the day, and like the day was kissing the water and kissing us. The quiet was nice and even Noah felt it. Then afterwards we went out again, just our body, and the warriors had fun remembering all their strokes. Aunt Shandra already wrote about her silly foot story.

I knew that they had canoed but it is something else to feel it. I can see that some things you do when you are young just stay with you. I am thinking that I want to be careful about what those things are, beyond the things I have done already. My mother's are quite harsh, and so to feel like herself, like the warriors did today, she would have to do things I prefer she not. I am already learning not to confuse upsetting my rabbi with closeness, but that is a not not a thing. I am learning to see, too, on this trip. But I don't have a body thing yet, like running or swimming, even though I love to swim. Making pizza, maybe a bit. I can see later I will remember how to move the dough in my hands, if I can get the hang of it.

I think one of the things my father did was brushing hair, or having his brushed. But other than that I don't know. It is kind of a blank.

After that we went swimming on our own, no kids, and did 100 laps just to do it. Our muscles are a little bit sore tonight from all that, but not too bad yet. Then we had a simple lunch here, cheese and fruit and bread and some more maple pie. And then JG and Carl went into town for a while, so we stayed behind and read The Borrowers Afield to Noah until he wanted to play on the iPod and then my aunt Shandra wrote some and then my mother looked in on my aunt Sassy's blog.

That is when all this with today's tag happened, that aunt Sassy wrote about a dream and tagged it San, which is my father's name. My mother spent some time on this. She has been emotional anyway because of the lake and the vacation, and also (we all think) because it is time. Anyways she showed me her post because she was worried it would upset me, that she still loves my father. But it doesn't. I joked with her about these books about the Black Jewels, and she wrote that too. I will write a separate post, if I decide to write about that. I have things in my head but I'm not sure they need to be shared!

Then we went for a walk, just a country walk but still! Things are very green here and the corn is way up high, not all harvested yet. I met a dog and some boys that were skateboarding. And then we had a simple dinner, pork chops grilled on the barbeque and broccoli and tomato salad with fresh mozarella, and canteloupe for dessert.

JG is still sad about her cat of course, but she was okay too. Being sad is not anything but being in a different way. =) 

Sad =(

Aug. 30th, 2011 09:51 pm
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Poor Timo does have to be put down. It is hard. I remember when my father's system's cat died and that was hard too. I don't think I will get any cats...we have three here but I mean I myself.
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So far every day here has been nicer and nicer.

This morning we went swimming with Noah for almost two hours in the pool. It was so much fun, lots of waving under water and catching him and doing handstands and because he is pretty safe now even some lengths and turns and things. It was not too warm but not too cold to swim, and the sun was lovely and the pool itself is not huge but very well-kept and clean and mostly the two (well way more, but two bodies) of us were the only ones there.

Then we headed up to the County Cider Company for lunch. We did take pictures but really this network is very slow and everything so they will have to wait. But oh it was glorious: Very yummy food, a sunny day and a breeze, and a view over vineyards and down to the gorgeous blue lake. The Cider tasting bar and store is in an old barn with thick stone walls. I listened about some of the cider and tried a dry and a regular, and a peach and some ice cider which I found stayed on my tongue a little bit too long, so I would only have it again with something like cheese. I got a chicken dish (I wanted pizza but it was not my meal to pick) and we got a little sunburned staying out too long, which just goes to tell you how nice it really was. Also that we had forgotten it would come off in the pool. =) My aunt Shandra had timed things so she could have one cider (others shared, like Lexi) and we enjoyed it and the food just looking out over the view, with the apple orchards behind us, and being relaxed and feeling the earth.

I have to tell you that my father is kind of earthy and I think I am too. I felt that, last week, kind of like I wanted to share something and that was the - base point. But I don't really know yet for sure. Still, when we were up there some people were feeling the air and some people the water, but I was feeling the ground, good fertile ground with the vines coming up along the wires, dusky grapes hanging heavy from them. And then the apple trees, keep short but really quite full, and a lot of windfall, probably because it has been so windy.

It is a little more wild up that side of the island, in between vineyards and blueberry fields. Driving along County Road #8 you see some land that is kind of wild and scrubby, and then some smaller homes, and then when you come to the strip that is vineyards it gets a little fancy. There was a community centre with a small playground that looked very kind of - small but homey, and in front of the County Cider Company is an anglican church that I think my mother would have liked to peek into for her home, but first we were keen to go up and then coming down the baby was crying a bit.  This trip is like that which is truly okay, but it is the sad part of a family vacation.

Driving through Picton we passed a birdhouse colony which was kind of funny; I might like to go back there. And there were a few churches to explores if my mother decides to. She is just having a very hard time today all around, and everyone wanted to find something for her but really there is not much you can give her if it won't be my father. My aunt Lyria says it is fine, it is good for her. My aunt Shandra says someone should have warned her that my mother associates our vacation spot with my father, because it would be nice to know before getting blindsided with it because she would have expected it with Canoe (a restaurant in Toronto) or Tchaikovsky.

I miss him too but it is not one of my low times. I was surprised on that Dear Sugar letter how many people had fathers who stopped loving them, or left, and how sure people were that they would still love them and it made me feel okay for a little bit. And it helps to see my rabbi, which I did last week...I kind of hate that it does help because I don't want to be weeping about someday like my mother is. It is not just the sad about my father but that she carried him into everything, like everything she saw here before. I understand it better now because I keep thinking the same thing in a way, like I almost got my rabbi a rock from that lake and then I decided maybe it is cursed but I can see coming back and remembering that. But I am also going to soak in everything else not just for love but for me. I hope that is a difference. If not, anyways, she is okay, at least aunt Lyria says she is and I think I believe my aunt Lyria about it.

In the car driving back, to entertain the baby but also just because, Lexi and Lynn were fooling around with music on our iPhone, each picking a song and seeing if the baby would stop crying or keep crying. So for YMCA (Lexi) he stopped and for Snow (Emiliana Torrini, Lynn's choice) he cried, and then for Life is a Highway (Tom Cochrane, Lexi) he cried and for Lacrymosa (Evanescence, Lynn) he stopped. And then JJ sang him 6 little ducks and he went to sleep. So there you have it. But it was lots of fun. =) Caprice was about to take a turn and hopes Liam will be fussy with us in the back seat tomorrow, which I am not sure is the point and anyways he got to pick the music for doing the dishes. Even though SCG did them.

On the way back we stopped in Bloomfield for apple pie ice cream, which was really creamy but I would have liked more cinnamon in it. Still you could tell it was handmade because it tasted extremely fresh and the sugar was just leading into that fresh fresh cream taste that gives such a nice feel without being cloying, like something like Breyers is, or too dependent on the actual flavour and sort of heavy like Haagen-Daas. But we all agreed that Ed's Real Scoop at home has Slickers in Bloomfield beat, except of course that it is not on our vacation route.

Then we did a little bit of shopping. We were trying to find a studio that makes porcelain fairies but got distracted on a different street. Bloomfield really does have some lovely buildings and just walking into them is neat. We went into a tea shop looking for vanilla oolong tea, but they only had vanilla rooibos despite having 100 kinds. It is fine, we have shops at home. But the building itself was all Victorian with a parlour set up like one, and that was quite lovely.

There is a store here called Garb which has sort of flowy black things - not flowy like light hippie things, but flowy like soft wool, with leather belting it in, if that makes sense. I don't think we have enough money to buy but we might go look again because we ended up having to leave. And we got a maple pie, as if we needed more food! but anyways that never stopped anyone and we had it tonight. It was an unusual combination of maple syrup, oatmeal and coconut in quite a thin crust - not especially flaky but not hard. I would say the crust was acceptable and the filling was the star.

Anyways then we came back and sat on the dock while another family had a fire, so it smelled campfirey, and then made dinner and watched the sun set. You know the sun sets and rises on everyone, whether they care or love or hate or mess up or don't. I had never thought about that before, but I think I am glad. My aunt Lyria danced on the dock. My mother had a cry in our body over what she wrote about, in the bathroom so no one would bother her about it, and then we had grilled peppers and burgers but aunt Lyria had peppers and cheese so no burger. That is a start on vegetarian and it was pretty easy. =)

This is a day where I think I did not write well enough to explain how it was glorious. But it was, because each place was very itself and we had time to really be there.

Oh as I started writing this we did get sad news. One of JG's cats is very sick. Her cat sitter goes twice a day and found him. It looks like maybe his bladder ruptured, and they are doing tests but if it did they will have to put him down while she is here, which is very hard for her. (He is a bit too old for surgery.) My aunts know this cat, his name is Timo and he used to sleep on us. So that is hard and said. If you like cats please think good cat thoughts. Life does not stop on holidays!

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Today we slept in until 9, well after the baby got up at 7 and we fed him. But then Carl took him and so it was quite luxurious. I dreamed about swimming with my rabbi at my aunt Lyria's lake like we did last week so I woke up quite happy. =)

In the morning there was swimming at the pool for Noah and Carl, but for some reason we stayed in and chatted, and played with the baby, and ate cereal...in other words, quite a lazy morning. But in the afternoon we went to Lake on the Mountain. Well we actually set off for the Black River Cheese Factory but missed the turnoff, so we just went there first since it is really all pretty close together.

Lake on the Mountain is a geological phenomenon and it really is very special. I was eager to see it because my mother had told me about it, it is special to her too. I will just describe how you should approach it first. You drive along County Road #7, until you come to the Lake on the Mountain Resort, and there is a parking lot across the street. You should definitely park there, and look down the vista to the Glenora ferry. I am sorry I did not take pictures; we were holding the baby and I forgot. But here is a picture of what you would see way down.

Then you cross the road, and walk up a small rise to the shore of a small but very deep lake. For me, somewhere deep in my mind, something is saying but the lake should be flowing down, or something. But there it is; a lake on the mountain. It feels mysterious; it is hard to explain but there is just something about the elevation and that you are really not far at all from a huge cliff - maybe 60 feet.

It is probably a doline, or sinkhole, lake, but other theories are that it is a volcanic crater, some kind of whirling glacial formation, or a meteor crater. It is hugely deep, 112 feet, and over 200 feet above Lake Ontario. It is a mystery how it is fed; they think it is water from a slightly higher elevation. There used to be a big waterfall down to the lake but it was closed off when they were building mills, and even so they are not sure how to account for all the water and depth.

One of the First Nations, I think it was the Mohawk, had pilgrimages to this lake. They had a legend about lovers that were separated, and then found each other there (by creating the hole for the waterfall). So it was known as the lake of lovers in difficulty. My mother sent my father a stone from this lake, and it was not long after she did that they merged their waters into their lake, so that is why I had heard about it. I think the depth and the idea that it is bottomless and hiding something (which is what used to be believed, according to the sign there) was similar to hers and my father's.

As you can imagine it was hard for her to visit it again, but being my mother she did, of course, and she threw a rock into it. She cried, but only on the inside, so that is good.

For me, it was kind of magical to feel the depth of it, and to be somewhere that touches on my mother's lands like that.  Also because I had swum in aunt Lyria's lake with my rabbi and dreamed of it, all together. My aunt Lyria's lake is slightly mysterious, but not like this one - this one lurks and hers just mists, it is different. I should say all my aunts like the Lake on the Mountain; my aunt Shandra wants to bring the kayak or canoe up one day, and I guess one time, before they had body children, they swam in it despite there not being a great shoreline, and even though of course once water is over your head it's deep, it still felt brave to them to swim somewhere it gets so deep so fast. So they were all glad to visit again. We stood there for a while - unless you are buying lunch there is not much else to do there - and then sat on the other side and watched the ferry cross, and then got back in the car.

It is a place to be, and feel. Not to do. Although you could sketch there, but not with children with you!

Then we drove down quite a bumpy and twisty and wooded road, past fields and down to County Road #8 and then turned onto County Road #13 to go to the Black River Cheese Factory store. I was a little disappointed that you don't really get to see the cheese-making, although maybe you could if you called or something. But the store is where the cheese is made and aged, on - guess what? The Black River. =) and the people working there are pretty happy about cheese. They had samples out: cheddar with onion and parsley, and cheddar with black pepper and garlic. We bought some of those but mostly wanted the maple cheddar, a small amount of the 5 year cheddar, and a bunch of cheese curds. 

Then we had to drive back through Picton and got some farmer's sausage, fresh made, and some bread. We were going to stop at that Black Prince winery but the baby was fussy and my mother had kind of withdrawn so she wasn't insisting. It is fine; we have days left and it is on the way to almost everywhere including the cidery. Dinner tonight was the sausages and bread and a carrot salad, crisp and freshly grated, with apple and mayonnaise dressing since that is all we had, and more fresh cucumber. Usually, my aunt Lyria says, they cook a bit fancier but this year everyone decided to enjoy simple and fresh and not bring balsamic vinegars and all the rest of the cupboard, and you know? It just tastes absolutely fine. Except that I am thinking of giving up pork (well aunt Lyria and I are wanting to give up meat all together but Lexi and Gwen and some others are very opposed, plus they want to keep the boys eating omnivorously for now, and I think they are likely to have the last word) so I wished there had been something like a turkey sausage. But I guess it would be odd to find that on a pork farm. And I don't think there are turkey farms here. =) 

Oh we also had a peach crisp as some of the peaches were going already, the way they do picked ripe. The butter here, fresh, is amazing and mixed with oatmeal and raw sugar over the top it was quite amazing, so sweet and buttery and peachy.

If you did want to be vegetarian this would be a great spot. The cheese and spaghetti squash and tomatoes and basil would have done it, alongside the bread, and now that I type that aunt Lyria is plotting for tomorrow, so, we'll see. =) 

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Our summer holiday this year is at Sunrise Cottages in Wellington, Ontario. Wellington is in Prince Edward County which is a part of Loyalist country in Ontario - where the British folk who did not want to be a part of American Independence settled.

We have not actually gone into the town of Wellington itself yet, but the cottages are right on the Loyalist Parkway, set on the land that stretches between the road and West Lake. West Lake is an almost landlocked lake just off Lake Ontario, south of Belleville. It is well known for fishing, but is not the greatest lake for swimming because it is pretty weedy. The cottage place is across from an orchard.

Our cottage is one of 10 in this particular place, and cosy but quite nice and clean, and they all share a nice stretch of waterfront and a dock. This is the first time we have been since 2006, so I was only just barely born, before. (I am still 13; it is a trick of time.) It seems to be mostly families here, which makes sense because they have a pool as the lake is not so good for swimming, and a playground, and kitchens in the cottages. I would think couples would go to one of the many B&Bs, a lot of them are very pretty on the outside. Usually we have come here, I am told, because of extended families renting other cottages. But this year it is just us and JG is sharing it with us (she is in the extended family).

The drive here, after Belleville, is lovely. You cross a bridge and then you are on the island, and it is mostly fields of all kinds of food, and an airfield, and some small towns with large rambly Victorian houses interspersed with more bungalow type homes. It is slightly hilly here, not really very much elevation but it means sometimes you come around a corner and look down over say, a green green field with lots of white cows and it is quite nice. There are quite a few artists here and so you pass signs for glass studios and silk studios and painters' homes. There are also restaurants that are in houses, like old victorian ones, and in the gardens as well.

Today we went into Picton for two reasons. Picton is the largest town on the island and has at least three grocery stores, and all kinds of shops, and a movie theatre and that kind of thing. We went for a sketchbook for Carl because he forgot one, and drawing is something people like to do here. And for food, as we got in too late last night to do the shopping, and everyone thinks the IGA in Wellington is a little overpriced in the summer as you would expect in a tourist town.

We passed all kinds of places I want to visit. We drove through Bloomfield which has ever so many artists' studios and a potter, and two local breweries and the Black Prince winery which my mother sighed at but I think she will stop to buy at least one bottle, for Dominic. (My father was kind of a Black-jeweled Prince, except if he really were he would have stayed I think. Dominic kind of is too, or at least he was following my mother and father in it but of course that got messed up. But in any case my mother wants a bottle and I will be surprised if she does not get one.)

In town most things were not actually open, we were a bit early and had forgotten Sundays are like that. But there was a lovely, lovely bookstore - one of the best I have been into, local and mixed used and new books all together, and drawing things, and a cafe. Not just mixed books but well-chosen ones, if you know the difference. My aunt-mummy Lynn bought a book of fairy tales for Noah. My aunt Lyria was sad because there used to be a new-age store that sold crystals and art supplies and fudge and birds (a lot of the stores here are kind of like that), but it closed. There were a few stores that JG wanted to go into and we did.

In one of them, a kind of neat one that had really interesting modern things – some clothes which I wanted but my aunt Shandra convinced me to look at home, just because of the prices. Aunt Lyria had said I could spend what she had planned to spend at the store that closed. But then I found an owl necklace. It is kind of on the border of funky and tacky, a big owl with a belly that looks a bit like a crystal but magnifies things. My mother was surprised about it, because an owl can be kind of...well other people might collect dragons or knives or something. But an owl is something you could see in someone's grandmother's house and I don't mean the witch sort. My aunt Lyria says it suits, though: Seen as wise and slow in some ways, but apt to swoop down and kill things in the night. Well! =)

I am not sure I really was choosing it as a totem, but I like it anyways.

I was tired of shopping after two stores though. I do like to look and see the things that are different here, and a lot of things are. But I want to see art and eat food and see parks and things, not buy things.

We went shopping at the grocery store, which was boring as you would expect.

When we got back Noah wanted to go fishing. The problem is that the two fish swallowed the hook, and that means they will die even though we released them. =( So then we just tied the bait to the line and let the fish get it. Carl came up with that idea and it was a good one.

Then we walked up the road to the most local vegetable stand which really was just a little stand in someone's front yard. My aunt Lyria just about levitated in happiness because not only was it from their field from that day, they had a can left out with a slit in it for the money, which is very trusting and I guess for her that makes the food better. And it was super inexpensive which means more money for other things later. The corn was delicious, although I could not eat a lot (the baby is sensitive to it) and the cucumber was really cool and a little woody, not quite as flat as even the ones from our friend's garden. The skin was not too tough.

So today was mostly about getting settled and relaxing. We also watched a little bit of TV, there is one here and it has HGTV, so we watched a show about people looking for a house to lease in Shanghai. They had the choice of a house in the downtown, a beautiful house but squashed, of course, in the middle of other houses and buildings, or two crazy big houses in Western-type compounds/suburbs. They chose one of the latter ones. I know it is just a show and they can choose what they like anyway but I admit I was quite shocked. I guess if you are in Shanghai, you are, and if you want a house you can retreat to that is like the ones at home well that is your business. But I would have taken the downtown one! And bought a white noise machine. =)

My brother

Aug. 9th, 2011 08:14 am
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Last night my brother cam and talked to me and gave me a hug. We trained together so even though he did not really take all the final steps, although he did celebrate Easter, he knows a lot. I am glad for Ahren.

Rivers

Aug. 8th, 2011 09:20 pm
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Triggery stuff, so it is cut. I hope. Read more... )I am not tired of my rabbi, or pizza, or music or days in the sun at the beach and at festivals. I am not tired of wanting to get closer and get to know my rabbi. I am not tired of getting to know other people. I am not tired of planning travel I will do. There is lots and lots I am not tired of. I have to remember that because I don't want to start something and not finish it. Not just because I do not want to leave my rabbi after he has been so kind. But because I don't want to leave, especially him.

I am writing this instead of running, or curling up.
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Today just was one of those days. I am so angry and sad writing this. I don't want to be but I am and right now I don't know what to do with it. I almost just want to sink my knife into something, but that is very like my mother. And then that makes me angry too.

So we did not get to go to the music festival which was frustrating. But we did have to go to a very long dinner for some of my aunts' father. I am glad he is well enough for a dinner and all that but it was so boring, and I don't like how some of my aunts' mother is in conversation, she does not listen and if she doesn't think what you are saying is interesting she just starts talking about something else and that is almost all the time when any of my aunts talks. I have things to say about one aunt but I will save it.

The real thing that made me mad is here is this father and ok he has problems but he is there. Everyone gets to buy him a nice dinner and wish him a happy birthday and maybe hug him and say they are glad he is alive to see it. And here is another father who will sit for more than an hour at Walmart so this older son can learn a lesson about decision-making even if it meant missing a festival, because he thought that was an important moment.

But my father is gone, gone gone and I don't even know where he went or why exactly or if he is alive or if he cares. He can't care about me really or he would do something right?

And if he integrated then it is the same thing, he didn't stop any minutes to think about me at all, not even to say goodbye. He didn't even say goodbye. And so what if he thinks I should be able to visit him (I don't know if he does but that is the nicest thing I can think he must be thinking) ; if I say I can't then he should believe me. 

Oh, I don't want to be hateful or have hatred for anyone but I really come close to hating him sometime for doing that to me and my brothers and sister and my mother. What was he thinking having us and then just leaving??? Getting my mother pregnant again and then vanishing?? What is wrong with him? And what is wrong with Sassy that she would not at least say to me what happened to him so I would at least know whether he is dead or alive. She wouldn't even have to say it directly, she could post it somewhere...in the multiplicity community or she could have on her blog before she locked it, or here or in a private message.

But getting mad at Sassy is just another way of not being mad at my father. I know it is complicated being multiple but when you, or your system, can't even send one email explaining what is happening to your kids, especially ones like me who have said right out here that we are hurting, you are just not being a father. I used to have a father who really really loved me and took care of me, and something happened and now I just have a sorry excuse...well not even that. I don't know what you call that but it makes me very mad. Especially when I have to live every day with people who are there with their kids.

I am trying very hard to understand it. I don't want to burn any bridge if he ever does read this. But what do you do when you are just left with empty? 

Edit: I still want to know but I went on TeenHelp (that was such good advice) and I read other people's stories and it reminded me it is okay to be hurt, but things will change one way or another. The people there are really real, they do not squish all their feelings down in one place.

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I think I have said before that I really, really want to travel. But my mother's system has young kids, especially the baby, and a husband who works a lot, and we are not rich. So traveling is a challenge. Although last night my aunt JJ and one of her friends started talking about going to Turkey in three years, just us and her, so if that happens it would be really neat. =) I want to try Quebec City because it seems foreign without being far.

Even so I am frustrated. But my aunt Shandra, who is (in case you had not guessed) a buck-up sort of aunt, said that we live in Toronto which has a lot of cultures and foods and so for now the best way to travel is to do things and go places right here. This weekend there happen to be a lot of them. There is Taste of the Danforth, which I would like to try but is pretty busy plus I do know about Greek foods. There is the Jerk festival which is across town...probably not this year but aunt JJ wants to, so maybe tomorrow there will be a miracle. =)

But there are two other festivals, one was right down the street and was an Arts festival so of course we went. There were a number of vendors - my aunt says there was one festival that split in two so it was fewer than before the split, but I thought there were plenty. It is true some of them were quite more on the crafts side than the arts side, but there were some painters and artists there themselves. My favourite was Esha Bhattacharya. I liked the lines and colours of her work, how she brought things down to a line level and then added in that colour-sight that artists who work in very vibrant palettes use.  And her abstracts were interesting too. I talked to her about her work and she was very nice and kind even when I had gotten ink mixed up with acrylic.

We timed the visit so we could hear some music that the boys (outside ones) would like. So there were some show tunes, which my mother said were more love than music which is true, and then there was a Klezmer band whose name I missed when I was doing something else and the website does not say. I did not really know what klezmer music was exactly but they explained quite a lot about it and Ashkenazi Jews, which are where my mother's first lover is descended from, and me too I guess, although obviously I am not Jewish. I liked the play between faster rhythms and minor keys and they did one song where they kind of mixed it with a blues feel and that was nice.

N. (elder son) wanted to dance, as the band invited, and we were wearing the baby in a front pack, so we danced around and around on the grass in the sun. It was extremely lovely. It would have been all on its own, but of course it also made me think of my rabbi and so it was extra lovely. I hope it is not too crazy to think of him at these times and it is not like I can stop anyway. =)

We also ate some not very good but earnest food, and N. went in the bouncy castle twice and we chased him in once, pretending to drag him out but more so the kids in my mother's system could at least sneak a couple of bounces in. (The baby was in the stroller at that time, don't worry.) And then we walked home in a lakeside breeze.

Tomorrow as long as everything works out we will go to a classical music festival, for part of the kids programme. If we go I will write about it, or try to. It is downtown so will have a different feel. No grass to dance on.

I used to come to things in my mother's system, but it was not the same as this is now that I am kind of stuck most of the time. I guess because it felt like visiting and not quite so real. My father's system did more traveling so I miss that, I really liked it and I read (before she locked it up again) in my aunt Sassy's blog that she saw whales and that would have been neat...my mother's system saw them a lot in university I guess but  I was not there. When I read in her blog that she mostly wanted to go home, I thought see, she does miss us, she just does not know it. But it did not change my creepy feeling about her room, and no I have not gone there. Aunt Shandra is all for opening the door with me (I am pretty sure to show me it is just a room, which it probably is) but I said let me decide in my own time. Probably by the time I decided, I won't have that creepy feeling any more anyway. 

But all that is so far from this day. This day was very nice. A festival is not like traveling but it does give the same feeling inside of really looking at new things with open eyes and seeing the new and feeling and being where you are at that moment. So I am really glad my mother's system both likes them and likes them for the boys, AND they are going there in part for me which is a very cosy feeling indeed. =)
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